Mixed Bag Thoughts

Standard

“When there’s a million more miles to roam,
I think of the life left for me back home:
A “paradise” to watch their “greener grass” grow,
and all the time to feel alone.

pave paradise
put the keys in
turn the engine
let the big green van drive me from this city
to anything but simplicity

To anywhere from this city,
To anything but simplicity.”

It has been a few days since last writing, mainly because of feeling a post-trip depression of sorts. For all of the chaos of staying in Cairo and not being with loved ones, returning to the routines of life in DC induced a myriad of emotions, particularly sadness and longing for the novelty of something unpredictable. I missed having some of these routines since they make life much easier to manage, but at the same time coming back to an office cubicle and the 8-hour workday felt like being let out of prison during the day, only to return come the evening. Acknowledging this sentiment, along with the recognition that I am not passionate about my current position, has spurred me to be honest with myself and work towards finding something that enables me to feel synchronicity across my professional, spiritual, and general life goals. More concretely, while in Cairo I was fortunate enough to meet with several peers who lived in the city and seemed to be very content with their lives, despite not always enjoying the creature comforts of the United States. Honestly, I have always felt at odds with the consumerist mentality driving much of American society; I do not go as far as to say fuck it all because I do like having some massed produced comforts, but I harbor what I think is a healthy antipathy towards them. After all the shit I waste money on (drinks, clothes, organic foods) all mean little in the long-run and only temporarily offer a distraction from the real voids in my life (senses of community, closeness with God, being able to love and receive it). To vocalize such things is hard for me since I see how many peers and even family members react to the notion that someone like myself would forgo economic stability (haha yeah, that’s a ways away regardless thanks to student loans and ever-rising cost of living in a big city) for the sake of closing their gaps in my life and in turn, becoming more at peace internally. I guess this is where my punk ethos shines through the most in that I am willing to do it myself and want to live more in the moment since I do not know how long the blessings of youth will continue. Oddly enough the biggest supporter of this potential idea has been my girlfriend, who is also considering working abroad if nothing pans out here in DC. I am very grateful that she would have my back like this and even hope I go for it. Ideally, I wish that we stay together and move abroad, even if it means being in two different countries, albeit closer than one of us being in the US. Deep within my heart I know that if I do not try to make some or all of this come to fruition and ask for God’s assistance in doing so now, I will make the same mistakes that my parents warned against: forgoing personal callings for the sake of staying comfortable.

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