Loving Uncertainty

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I doubt there is a feature of existence that is more pesky in trying to wrap one’s head around than the concept of “uncertainty” in life and countless people of all backgrounds have attempted to convey answers to the question of why do certain things happen and others do not. If you were hoping I would be offering an answer to this I am afraid you will not find it here haha and perhaps it is best kept that way since I feel like the way each of us copes with uncertainty/the future is subjective. For me it has been a kind of synthesis between my Muslim and punk ethos, which share a number of overlapping thoughts. Notably I have found that both emphasize that the individual should strive to live as much in the moment as possible, yet not lose sight of where one is heading. A mental image of me riding a bike comes to mind where I have to be aware of a few blocks ahead but also not forget about potential ruts immediately in front of me. After a while it does get tiring to constantly feel like you have balance these two outlooks and sometimes they get out of kilter leading to extremes in emotions. Yeah, this might come off as me sounding like a buzz-kill or party pooper but that is not my intent and if anything I find myself time and again drawn to passionate people…actually people who show it readily, whether in an outburst of happiness or frustration. This quality I enjoy is yet another bridge I have found in my spiritual and punk practices – each belief system provides an outlet for intense feelings, be it through dhikr chanting/dance, prayer, slam-dancing, or combating oppression through social activism. In thinking about the situation that had initially prompted this whole entry – that of my jaan getting offered a job overseas and my mind being wracked with simultaneous happiness/thankfulness and uncertainty/hopelessness – I have been falling back on the things that restore my positive outlook and make me at peace with not being sure of what happens next: giving charity, my music, and reminding myself to live in the present moment and offer thanks for my lady’s great opportunity. When we talked this morning and I first received the good news my reaction I admit was less than excited sounding, but it was not because of what was being said. Rather, I think it had more to do with a bit of selfishness on my part and uncertainty about what a potential job overseas means for our relationship. I am, however, happy that such a situation arose and I was able to talk through my feelings with her afterward – it is a real blessing to have someone not judge you for feeling whatever you do and trying to understand you. Above all, it is a reminder that I have to trust that whatever is right for me will eventually reveal itself if I am looking carefully and living to my full potential and not waiting for the world to be perfect before loving another person. For all of its messiness and occasionally stomach-turning moments I am thankful for what I have right now and hope to better show that each day.

Salaams for now!

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